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这篇文书赢得普林斯顿|耶鲁|宾大等录取!

2019-04-10 16:50:29 来源:江博教育 作者:江博教育

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这篇文书的作者被普林斯顿,耶鲁,宾大,康奈尔,达特茅斯,杜克,西北等名校同时录取。作者是怎样巧妙的进行构思与取材呢?江博留学文书专家带您一起领略其中的奥秘。

文书写作如同摄影。“从哪个角度去展现自己?”是选材阶段的首要问题。

本文的作者学习小提琴12年之久,是许多管弦乐团的首席提琴手,其中包括佐治亚州管弦乐团,佐治亚州长荣誉管弦乐团,和亚特兰大青年交响乐团。除此之外,他还成立了“日出四重奏”乐队,常常为婚礼、派对和慈善活动演出。然而,作者并未选择自己的音乐特长做为common essay的素材,而是在文书中探讨自己如何在争名逐利、追求安逸的洪流中,发现至美素璞,找到人生方向。

这样的选择本身就反应了作者对待生活的认真态度。可见文书取材是否有分量,不能以世俗的眼光去衡量,而是申请者用心去选择方显挚诚。

 

正文

Every day, the news is filled with stories of brilliant politicians and gorgeous Hollywood actors. Society chooses to give its million-dollar bills to football players and pop stars, and even my parents want me to jump on the bandwagon of fame and wealth by becoming a lawyer, a neurosurgeon, or a business magnate. Yet somehow, I know I would not feel quite right spending my life as a glamorous celebrity or an affluent doctor, but I hope to be a somebody someday. After all, who doesn’t want to make their mom and dad proud?

Throughout my life, I have always asked myself the question that all adults ask kids, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Back when I was five, I was thrilled with the thought of being a farmer, growing my own food in my back-yard. That quickly changed, however, especially after I realized how cool it would be to own a gas station and whiff that gasoline odor all day. But even something as awesome as that could not interest me forever, and I quickly went through other stages when I decided to become an astronomer, a lawyer, and a marine biologist.

But until now, I never even considered aspiring to be like those who I have had most contact with throughout my life-teachers. Looking back, I can still smell the six-molar ammonia when Dr. Warren stayed after school for two extra hours just so we could finish up our AP Chemistry labs. I can still taste the donuts that Mr. Tomlin brought those Saturday mornings when he drove us to middle school Academic Bowl tournaments. And I can still recall those warm afternoons when my kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Osteen, randomly stopped by my house just to say “hi.” Such are the teachers who have shaped my character these past twelve years in school, and such are the teachers who build the foundations of our communities, guiding the paths of those who become our divas and CEOs. Such are the teachers who are my heroes.

Little boys and girls always say they want to be like their heroes some day, and as a body still growing up, I hope to be like my heroes one day-not a wealthy NBA player or a distinguished Congressmen, but just an ordinary teacher. I have actually thought about it for quite some time. As a tutor of my school and a past teaching assistant at Kumon Math and Reading Center, I have had my share of teaching, and I know how rewarding it is. Still vivid in my mind is the voice of pure joy when one of my students called to thank me for helping her get a four on the AP Chemistry exam. In the background, I could hear her mom screaming to offer me 87彩店made chocolate chip cookies. Furthermore, I dream of being a teacher because I know how delightful it feels to see those light bulbs pop on. I still remember aiding an algebra student in grasping logarithm concepts one day. Everyone had left school already, and it was just my tutee and I in the classroom. Both of us were dead tired, but I knew I would go 87彩店 unsatisfied without my tutee understanding the change of base rule. After I explained the concept for the ninth time, he suddenly jumped up and shouted “got’em!” and I knew I would drive back 87彩店 content that evening.

And finally, those grateful “thank-you’s” and expensive coffee baskets on the last day of the semester-I have had my experiences of those, and I know how gratifying it feels, like you are on top of the world because you have made a difference in someone’s life, that you are not only a teacher but a somebody after all.

注:英文Essay摘自The Princeton Review

01

文书亮点

  • 文风质朴,语言无华;

  • 描写入微但不累赘,回忆如电影,帧帧皆是画;

  • 感性驱动理性,理想溶于真情。

02

语言解析

1. “jump on the bandwagon of fame and wealth”: 暗喻的手法。“bandwagon” 比喻追名逐利的潮流,“fame” 和“wealth”就是这潮流中经过精致修饰的,或求名或图利的两类人。

2. “somebody”分别在文章的开头和结尾出现两次;做到了首位呼应。但是两次的语义是不同的,第一个”somebody”是没有确切的定义,还停留在世俗的成功观念。但第二个”somebody”,是作者千帆过后形成的较为成熟的价值观。

3. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” 看似简单一个小问题,起到了承前启后的作用,自然过渡到下文。同时,每个人可能都被问过这样的问题,可以让读者感同身受。

4. 从“farmer” 和 “own a gas station” 到 “astronomer”, ”lawyer”, “marine biologist”,可以看出一个人从孩提时代单纯、烂漫的理想到长大后回归理性、目标逐渐清晰的正常生长过程。作者没有渲染自己的不一样和特殊,让人感受到他的坦诚。

5. “six-molar ammonia”, “donuts”, ‘say “hi”’, 作者通过数字、食物、和简单的问候这样微小的细节,来反应自己为尘世的点滴真情所感动。细节是文书的血肉,是一切结论的有力佐证。很多人标榜自己的优势,却无力证明。这里作者做了很好的示范。

7. “shape my character”: 心理学有个观点,当你评价其他人,听话者会把你所做出的评价联系到你自己身上。作者对人与人之间最单纯、美好联系的讴歌,也同样反映作者本身在这种环境下形成的朴实的个性。而 “twelve years”,再次给出具体的数字,让人相信这么漫长的时间足以让一个人受到身边环境的熏陶。

9. “build the foundations of our communities”, “guiding the paths”, 是以小见大的升华,是作者价值观构建成熟的体现。

10. “divas”和“CEOs”只是一种泛指,不单单是艺术和商界的精英,也代表普遍意义上不同领域的成功人士。

11. “ordinary teacher”与“wealthy NBA player”和“distinguished Congressmen”也是泛指。这种细致的列举让人能够很明确的区分出名利面前不同取舍的两类人。

12. “tutor of my school”, “a past teaching assistant” 这是作者当下找到的最有成就感的社会身份,同时也证明,作者的思考已化作行动,成为了自己为之动容的“普通人”的一员。

13. “get a four on the AP Chemistry exam”和“87彩店made chocolate chip cookies”,再一次用细节来证明自己对他人的积极影响,也与前文作者得到的无微不至的关怀相呼应。

14. “light bulbs pop on”: 暗喻的手法,作者的授业解惑仿佛是在点起一盏盏明灯。

15. “explained the concept for ninth time” 再次用具体的数字来反映作者的耐心。

16. ‘“thank-you’s” and expensive coffee baskets’ 虽然没有施动者,但是足以让读者明了是谁向作者表达谢意。

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